TEACHER AND AUTHOR
Friends, you probably know how important online reviews can be, especially for new authors like me. I’d be so glad if you’d show your support by writing a review of Navigating Grief and Loss and/or Steady, Calm, and Brave at Amazon, Goodreads, and/or Barnes & Noble, and in appreciation I’ll send you a personalized bookmark.
Just complete the form at this link: https://www.meditationwithheart.com/supporters
You’re invited to celebrate the launch of my new book, Navigating Grief and Loss: 25 Buddhist Practices to Keep Your Heart Open to Yourself and Others! Everyone is welcome to this free events. RSVP to enter the raffle drawing for a chance to win a book. Details are below.
Online Book Launch Party Via Zoom
November 15, 7-8:30pm
Hosted by Mindful Astoria + Manaslu Gurung
Join us for an online celebration of Kimberly Brown’s new book Navigating Grief and Loss: 25 Buddhist Practices to Keep Your Heart Open to Yourself and Others with the Mindful Astoria community. Hosted by Manaslu Gurung, Kim will discuss her own experiences with loss, and share practices and exercises from her book. Please RSVP at this link: https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSe2PIk6w13OHiE0THxJ8a50UCipTr_5lXFBCFohCXKU1Gtemw/viewform?usp=sf_link and we’ll send you the Zoom login information. Everyone who RSVPs will be entered for a chance to win a free copy of the book — we’re giving away two paperbacks!
The great psychoanalyst D.W. Winnicott once said, “There’s no such thing as a baby.” What he meant was that there can’t be a self-existing, independent child—if there is an infant there is parental care, and without parental care there is no infant. In the same way, there’s no such thing as a mother or a father or a spouse or a sister or a friend or a teacher. All of our roles are defined by our relationships with each other—as Thich Nhat Hanh says, we “inter-are”.
This is true of all living beings. Our lives are inextricably intwined and interconnected, and not one of us can exist independently of others or of our environment. Our world is entirely relational. So it’s also true to say that there is no such thing as a person. There is only us, together, living as one big organism. It’s only our thoughts and ideas that create the illusion of separateness, and we can lessen their power and our attachment to this delusion with practice. The next time you’re feeling independent or think you’re unsupported and alone, you can try this Metta meditation.
Put your hands on your torso, and pay attention to the rise and fall of your belly as you breath. After a few minutes, begin to imagine your friends and family, people you don’t like, animals, and strangers all over the globe. You might imagine all Earthlings—and silently say, “May all beings, near and far, be safe and protected and free from inner and outer harm. May all beings, near and far, be happy and contented. May all beings, near and far, experience their deep connection with each other.”
Last week, I was feeling a little tired, and at first I felt mad at myself that I wasn’t doing as much as I thought I should be doing. And then I remembered—it’s okay to take a break! So I hope you’ll remember to do the same when you’re feeling weary, and if you feel guilty or annoyed with yourself, put your hand on your heart and take a few breaths. And then you can try the following resting practice.
Lie down or sit in a quiet and comfortable spot. Don’t move around. Bring your attention to the rise and fall of your belly as you inhale and exhale. Resist the urge to get up. Keep your attention on your breathing, gently feeling your abdomen rise and fall. If you start planning or remembering and your attention leaves your breath, just notice it and come back. After a few minutes, you can think of a friend who is stressed out and say, “May you open your heart to yourself.” After a few minutes more, put your hand on your heart and gently say, “May I open my heart to myself.” Finally, you can include all of us in the world who are struggling and say, “May we all—everyone—open our hearts to ourselves.”
Inequities and even violence result from loving unequally and selectively. Most of us are taught to love and care for our family and friends and certain types of animals, but not to consider or even pay attention to other people and other living beings. That’s why it’s valuable to learn and develop our hearts like a Buddha—through contemplation, ethics, and wisdom—because a Buddha loves indiscriminately. She loves the people and animals she likes, those she doesn’t like, complete strangers, dangerous awful beings, and herself too.
One way to practice love aka Metta aka goodwill is to offer blessings to yourself and others. Blessings are reminders of the value of life and of our interdependence with all other living creatures. You can bless yourself and the world as an expression of your gratitude and generosity for all life, including your own. The following is a blessing that I like to give whenever my thoughts are racing with annoyance, wanting, or boredom. You can say it silently to yourself anywhere, anytime.
𝘔𝘢𝘺 𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘧𝘦𝘢𝘳 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘧𝘶𝘴𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘣𝘦 𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘯𝘴𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘮𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘱𝘢𝘴𝘴𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘸𝘪𝘴𝘥𝘰𝘮. 𝘔𝘢𝘺 𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘢𝘨𝘦𝘰𝘶𝘴 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘵𝘴 𝘰𝘱𝘦𝘯 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘱𝘳𝘦𝘤𝘪𝘰𝘶𝘴𝘯𝘦𝘴𝘴 𝘰𝘧 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘭𝘪𝘧𝘦, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘱𝘰𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘷𝘦𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘦𝘢𝘤𝘩 𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘤𝘭𝘢𝘳𝘪𝘵𝘺, 𝘱𝘦𝘢𝘤𝘦, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘥𝘯𝘦𝘴𝘴. 𝘔𝘢𝘺 𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘦𝘧𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘵𝘴 𝘵𝘰𝘨𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘧𝘭𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘪𝘴𝘩. 𝘚𝘢𝘣𝘣𝘦 𝘴𝘢𝘵𝘵𝘢 𝘴𝘶𝘬𝘩𝘪 𝘩𝘰𝘯𝘵𝘶. 𝘔𝘢𝘺 𝘪𝘵 𝘣𝘦 𝘴𝘰!
May our fear and confusion be transformed to compassion and wisdom. May our courageous hearts open to the preciousness of all life, and respond to ourselves and each other with clarity, peace and kindness. May we live together with joy and ease.
The biggest misconception about developing compassion—for yourself and others—is that being compassionate means you will let people walk all over you and allow destructive behavior to happen without trying to stop it or acknowledge it.
Compassion empowers us to bring attention to struggles without looking away from them, no matter how painful it might be, and enables us to alleviate suffering any way we can. Compassionate people can say “I love you and no,” to anyone doing harm, even to themselves.
The next time you find yourself making excuses for or ignoring bad behavior, I hope you’ll try this practice which reconnects me to my steady and clear mind. Find a quiet spot, get still, take a few deep breaths. Just sit for a couple minutes and let yourself rest. When you’re ready, put your hand on your heart and imagine someone who loves you easily. They might be a pet, a relative, an old friend, a teacher or therapist. Repeat to them this phrase silently, “May your actions be courageous and wise.” After a few minutes, imagine you’re together with this loving being, and allow yourself to receive their blessings. Let them say repeatedly to you, “May your actions be courageous and wise.” Finally, consider all of us struggling humans everywhere, and say silently to us all, “May our actions be courageous and wise.”
I’ve spent a lot of time trying to change other people’s minds. Getting my father to agree that handgun ownership is unsafe, persuading my old friend that my denim maxi dress looked great, offering information and reasons to a neighbor who I think should appreciate our Open Street initiative instead of protesting it. Sometimes it works, but mostly, trying to change someone’s mind is an exercise in futility and frustration—for them and for me.
How others view the world is not in my control. I can do my best, but I can’t make them see things my way, even if they’re truly wrong or dangerous. And when I keep pushing others, we both suffer, and that’s when I know to back off and take a breath and come back to my own experience. I remember to cultivate equanimity—the wisdom of knowing what you can and cannot change.
The following is a traditional Buddhist practice I use in these moments and encourage you to try it the next time you catch yourself in this situation. Find a quiet spot, get still, stop talking, and shut off your devices. Take a few deep inhales and exhales. Put your hand on your heart and silently repeat to yourself, “May I accept this moment as it is. May I be at peace.” After a few minutes, think of the person whose mind you’re trying to change, and offer them this phrase silently, “May I accept you as you are. May you be at peace.” Finally, include all of us struggling humans everywhere, repeating this phrase, “May we accept each other as we are. May all beings be at peace.”
A student said to me last week, “I don’t understand why some people think ‘dependent’ is a dirty word”. I had to smile because I’m one of those people—I want to believe that I can do everything for myself and don’t need anyone. As a result, I hate asking for help and it’s very hard for me to receive. Of course, I know that I’m dependent on countless others for my life and well-being in every moment, for basic needs like air, food, and water. And I also know that my life is deeply enriched through the support of others, from their love, encouragement, friendship, and kindness. But I still resist it.
Growing up, I was taught that it’s embarrassing and weak to ask for a hand, so I learned to be self-sufficient and go it alone. But as an adult, I’ve learned that taking care of yourself means knowing when to ask for help and how to accept it when you need it, with appreciation and wisdom. The next time you’re stubbornly insisting you don’t need anyone, you might want to try this practice.
Find a quiet spot, put away your devices, close your eyes, and inhale and exhale slowly and deeply a few times. Think of an occasion when someone helped you out—a friend recommended you for a job, a teacher tutored you, a family member listened when you were upset—and silently say “thank you.” Remember a few more of these situations.
Next, take a moment to remember a time when you helped someone out. You recommended a friend for a job, you tutored someone, you listened to a family member when they were upset—and silently say “thank you” to yourself.
I’ve always loved planning—organizing and mapping out events, projects, vacations, and financial projections helps me prepare appropriately and lessens my impulse to worry. But sometimes planning makes me feel that I have control over the future, or that things _should_ turn out the way I predicted, and when they don’t, I feel frustrated and disappointed.
Since everything is always changing and impermanent, none of us will get all the things we’ve worked towards or predicted or planned, no matter how much we demand or prepare. Living wisely means that we let go of our attachment to outcomes and learn to be with each moment as it unfolds, and meet it as it is. Then, when things don’t turn out the way we planned, we don’t have to reject them —we can meet them with wisdom and adapt as skillfully as possible. And when things do turn out the way we planned, we can meet them with gratitude and appreciation, not expectation.
If you’re feeling stressed from insisting things go your way, try this practice. Find a quiet place, get still, take a few deep exhales and inhales, put your hand on your heart, and say silently, “May I meet this moment with wisdom and kindness”, then think of a dear friend who may be struggling right now too, and silently say, “May you meet this moment with wisdom and kindness”, finally try to include everyone and say, “May we meet this moment with wisdom and kindness.” Repeat as necessary.
I used to think love was something someone else needed to give me. So I spent a lot time trying to figure out how to get it. Maybe if I were nicer or needier, or if I took care of someone, or if I called them all the time, or if I just threw a fit and demanded it, then they would give it to me. It took a while and a lot of disappointment before I recognized that what I really wanted—an abiding sense of okayness— I couldn’t get from someone else. As we celebrate Valentine’s Day this weekend, let’s remember that love resides in each of our hearts and we truly can develop it to let it shine on ourselves and others too.
If you’re feeling lonely or unloved, try this practice. Find a quiet place, get still, take a few deep exhales and inhales, put your hand on your heart, and say this silently, “May I be open to my joys and sorrows”, then think of a dear friend and silently say, “May I be open to your joys and sorrows”, finally try to include everyone and say, “May we be open to each others’ joys and sorrows.” Repeat as necessary.
I often worry I've done something wrong. When I read recently that China won't buy U.S. plastic recycling because it's too dirty, my first thought was, "Oh no! That must be me, I never rinse the cat food cans." And when a friend doesn't reply to my email, I think, "Oh no! I must've said something stupid and they're upset with me." In my head, I understand things aren't my fault, and if anyone is angry it's up to them to tell me. But in my heart, I still feel afraid. So, when this fear arises, I listen to it and I don't believe it. I've learned that this feeling isn't related to facts, but rather memories and old habits, and do my best to meet it with kindness rather than irritation.
If you have an old fear or worry, try this practice that I use when I think I've done something wrong. Find a quiet place, sit down, and take a breath or two. Then notice where you're feeling afraid, put your hand on your heart, and say to yourself, "I hear you and you're safe." Repeat as necessary.
Dolphins can’t be trained through punishment or force. Rather, they require steady, positive reinforcement and encouragement. When dolphins successfully perform a requested behavior they’re rewarded with treats and praise. When they don’t perform as requested, nothing is done to them — their trainer simply redirects the dolphin to try again.
We can train ourselves in the same patient and kind way. Notice when your thoughts or speech or actions are kind, wise, and beneficial, and take time to rejoice in your beautiful qualities. You can do this regularly, using the the Gladden Your Mind practices below, taken from my book, Steady, Calm, and Brave.
Take time each evening to remember anything you thought, said, did, or experienced that was beneficial, kind, generous, or wise.
Keep a journal and write it all down.
It might include a text you sent to check on your niece who’s out of work and job hunting; it could be when you fondly remembered an old friend who lives in Minnesota; and it may be when you took time to make yourself a healthy breakfast instead of just drinking coffee all morning.
You can include events from the past too, like the time in first grade when you stopped your mom from killing a spider and released it outdoors, or ten years ago when you prayed for your sick grandmother.
Include the kindnesses and support you’ve received, in- cluding current and past moments, such as when you were ten years old fishing by yourself and a stranger helped you untangle your line, or last week when your local pharmacist filled your prescription for you right away so you wouldn’t have to wait until the next day.
Don’t be afraid to share all the kindness, patience, and good sense you so generously offer your family, friends and community—with yourself. It’s such a difficult time and we’re all struggling, and it’s neither selfish nor foolish to treat yourself as you would a good friend.
The next time you’re feeling tired, down, or discouraged, take a moment for yourself. Find a quiet seat near a window, turn off your phone, computer, and television, and look outside. Notice the light or the darkness, the movement of birds, animals, cars, or people, and listen to the wind, the traffic, or the silence. Resist the urge to daydream or get up and do something. Stay here ten minutes and if you can, longer. Repeat often.
Throughout the day, sunflowers turn to face the sun. As heliotropes, they care for themselves by optimizing their most important resource—light. As we struggle through this ongoing time of crisis, don’t be afraid to optimize all of your important resources. Reach out to your support system of friends and family, and go for a walk, play a board game or catch up on the phone. Find refuge in your own good company by reading a book or baking bread, and taking time for quiet meditation and rest.
The next time you find yourself struggling, try this practice. Lie down on the floor or your bed. Close your eyes and place a hand on your belly. Count five inhales and exhales while feeling the rise and fall of your abdomen. Then say this phrase silently to yourself, “May I know I am enough. May I know what I need and what I don’t need. May I be at peace. After a few minutes, think of someone else who you is struggling, and offer the same blessing, “May you know you are enough. May you know you what you need and what you don’t need. May you be at peace.”
Karma is a Sanskrit word, कर्म , which means action and the consequences of action. It isn’t a mystical transaction where you do something good and get something good, or do something bad and get something bad. Karma is simply the fact that cause and effect are real—each of our words and deeds and thoughts have multitudinous consequences on ourselves and others. When we’re unable to see reality clearly, these actions will cause harm to ourselves and others. That’s why mindfulness and meditation are useful—they teach us to pay attention to what is real—instead of what we want, deny, or imagine is happening.
In this hectic time, you can learn to act beneficially by making the time to get familiar with yourself. Take a few minutes and shut off your phone, computer, and television to sit quietly by yourself. Place your attention on the air on your skin, the sounds entering your ears, and feel you’re breathing. Notice if you’re liking or disliking, or if you’re feeling bored —and just let it be without trying to change it or fix it. Do this daily for at least ten minutes.
When you’re able to be present and aware of what you’re experiencing, you can choose to act skillfully, rather then re-act mindlessly, and that’s what’s meant by good karma—that your actions come from wisdom and compassion instead of greed, hatred, or delusion.
When I first started learning Buddhism, I was surprised to find that the most sincere and masterful teachers wanted nothing from me or any student. They didn't want loyalty or money or for me to be part of a political party or join anything—they only asked that I develop my mind and my heart. It didn't really seem like enough and sometimes even felt selfish, but after years of practice I truly know that the most powerful tool humans can offer ourselves and each other is a steady, clear, and compassionate mind.
This has been obvious through the pandemic. Medical people and leaders who are not in denial or in a panic are contributing to the welfare of everyone. Those who are vaccinated and staying home when they’re sick, are wisely contributing to all of our wellbeing.
I’ve been practicing more frequently for shorter periods of time because I find I need to take a break (from news, social media, and my wild mind) more often. If you need a break (and I suspect you might), set a time for ten minutes, sit in a quiet and comfortable spot, put your hand on your heart and repeat silently, “May I open my heart to what’s happening.”/”May you open your heart to what’s happening.”/”May we/everyone open our hearts to what’s happening.” Repeat as necessary.
Recently, I’ve been worried about plans working out and the possibility of failing, and fearful of making the wrong decision. When this happens, I’ve found it helpful to remember all the many times in my life when I’ve had to solve a problem, deal with a disappointment, or even put my life back together after change or loss. I call this my Got Through It list, and it includes the time my cat fell out of a five story window; my life in my twenties without a college degree and working as a waitress, unsure of what to do or where to go; and a breakup with a serious boyfriend in my thirties and how hard it was to start over as a single person again. The Got Through It list reminds me that I’m a competent person and I can trust myself. I know I have the tools to meet any outcome with skill, kindness, and self-compassion because I’ve done it many times before.
If you’re feeling unsure of yourself, I encourage you to write your own “Got Through It” list. You’ll be surprised how many times you’ve managed to find your way through difficulties, and reassured that you have so many strengths and skills to support you again today.
Self-Compassion is important to me because for a long time I thought that being a good person meant trying to be nice to everyone—except me. But as I’ve learned to offer myself love and kindness, I’m also more naturally able to do the same for others -- without having to try so hard. You can develop self-compassion too – it’s an orientation of letting yourself be just who you are in every moment, without trying to fix or change or ignore anything about your experience. Reading about it or talking yourself into it doesn’t seem to be very effective – cultivating true self-compassion requires deep listening via meditative practice, and takes patience and effort. I encourage you to set aside 15 minutes a day to get still and silent and offer yourself attention and kindness.
I’ve been practicing Metta aka lovingkindness meditation for years, and still sometimes I get so frustrated and angry—at the world, at dear ones, or just when things don’t go as planned. For a long time, I felt so disappointed and discouraged because I thought that a meditator and a Buddhist shouldn’t have those feelings. Then I discovered Thich Nhat Hanh’s instruction, “I see you anger, and I’m not going to leave you,” and realized that anger—and all our feelings—deserves attention and compassion and kindness. I don’t have to act out of anger, or make decisions when I’m frustrated, but I’ve learned that to befriend my angry feelings lessens their energy and power, and allows me to feel understood and cared for instead of guilty and ashamed.
I began practicing metta (aka lovingkindness) meditation during a time of personal crisis. I’d been struggling with intrusive thoughts, panic attacks, fear, and disassociation for months after experiencing a great loss. With the support of friends, sangha, and therapy, I was feeling more steady, but unable to practice Buddhist visualization techniques or even simple mindfulness of breath meditation. Then I attended a Metta Retreat at IMS with Sharon Salzberg and other teachers, and to my great relief, after just a few days of silent lovingkindness practice, I began to discern an abiding sense of calm beneath my struggles, and by week’s end, understood the strength of metta practice to steady the mind and cultivate the healing power of compassion.
This is why my teaching is focused on lovingkindness and compassion meditations. I know from experience that these practices can help all of us rediscover our natural wisdom and develop our unique potential to live with ourselves and each other in harmony.